Heartbreak and Headaches

It hurts. I feel numb and alone, yet life is still moving and the world is still spinning. The day I didn’t think would come, or at least not so soon, arrived. One month and 11 days. It seems like such a short amount of time but that’s all it took for me to fall in love, think to the future, and then have it all ripped out from under me. I never wanted any of this and I still think it was my fault. I didn’t plan to break up with him but was simply packing my things up to take back to my dorm and I guess he thought that was his cue to not try because he wanted to do it anyways.

Realizing that someone didn’t love you even after all the things they said and everything you went through is heartbreaking. Just knowing that every word and every phrase and every compliment were all lies is the worst feeling in the world. The minute I realized he didn’t feel that way was when I was packing up my stuff and taking my time, I might add, that he just stood there. I took multiple trips to my car and he still just stood there. I couldn’t even wrap my head around what was happening but I knew that if he loved me, he would have been trying to stop me or talk to me. The last trip I made, I could have just taken off but, instead, I went inside one last time and that’s when he grabbed me and hugged me and we began the long talk and “breaking-up process.”

            It has not even been 24 hours later and I am pondering on how his question “can we take it slow?” turned into us officially breaking up? Was I the one who said I didn’t want to do that? Why would he suggest that if he doesn’t want a relationship now? There are so many thoughts in my mind and no easy way to understand any of it. I want to be angry at him but then I’m secretly wishing he would call me. Then I say to myself, I don’t want to talk to him but then kind of wish this would go back to normal. We were doing so great and I honestly don’t even know what made it get to this point. We had only started arguing in the past week and I thought things were finally getting worked out and the night before was perfect. I feel like a fool. Everything I did and especially in the past couple days and now knowing that he was thinking of how to break it off this whole time. I feel stupid and am telling myself “I told you so” about getting too serious too fast and I didn’t even want that.

            When I got to Columbia last semester, I was experiencing new things and having fun but it also came with meeting a guy right away and going on a rollercoaster of emotions with him. After that first fiasco, and a couple months of sadness and alone-time, I told myself, I was done feeling this way. I couldn’t feel this way anymore and I wanted to get out of the depressed state I was in. I decided I wasn’t going to go out and “look” for guys but just enjoy the night with friends and that’s what I was doing and was finally renewing my happiness until “He” showed up.

            I wasn’t looking for anything and yet another guy came into my life, we jumped into a relationship a week later, and it was full speed ahead from there. I kept telling myself I didn’t want to get serious and just have fun and go with the flow because that’s what I should be doing in these prime years. I wish I would have listened but being who I am and putting my whole heart and soul into everything I do, I got attached. And it didn’t help that it was different with him. I saw a future with him and wanted a future with him. I don’t throw around the “L” word too often but I knew right away that I wanted him to know that I loved him and I would give 100% to this relationship. We were both like that at the beginning and I guess that’s how it is for most relationships these days. …If only I knew sooner that it would quickly become one-sided. As they call it the “honeymoon phase,” showing affection and love and caring and then in just a split second you stop holding hands or cuddling in bed and you feel, deep down, that their feelings are changing but you love them so much that you ignore that and you try to make it work because you don’t want to lose them. Then the time comes when it turns into reality and they tell you they don't feel that way anymore and they never really loved you...(to be continued)