Love is a Many-Splendored Thing

If I get back to blogging on a regular basis, there's probably going to be a lot of posts about my favorite man in this world but for this post, I don't just want it to be about a love story between two people. Our love story would take pages upon pages to describe and it's still be written. I haven't even told u the half of it! Instead, I want to let it be known that everyday is an opportunity to change your life. If it is internal and something you struggle with yourself, find a way to get help, write about it,  talk to someone. If it's a goal you want to accomplish, work hard, don't give up. And if it's meeting new people, be kind and be yourself because in the moment you may not realize that a complete stranger could become the most important person in your life. I wish that the one opportunity that everyone should be given in their life is to fall in love because it's a pretty great feeling. The only problem is that you can't go out searching for this "love". It's not meant to be found, it's meant to be felt and when you start feeling that with someone it won't gradually come but instead,  hit you like a truck. You're willing to look past their bad decision making in the past or their annoying habits in the present because you love them too much. You become a better person without realizing that you're doing it because you know that that's what they deserve. You wake up every morning with both of you in mind and fall in love even more when you roll over and look them in their soulful brown eyes to say good morning. You may even make sacrifices just to be with them. You won't realize that you've found your soulmate until you start doing all of that but more importantly you know you're in love when you can't imagine a life without them in it. Hopefully you will be lucky to realize that before they're gone. No matter where you are in life or what age you are, be grateful with how far you've come and everything you've accomplished. That's the thing about life...it just happens and the strong people are the ones who are able to face life and everything that comes with it. I hope you all get many opportunities and live a life that will make you happy and in my opinion, it's  easier if you have someone next to your side, supporting you,  helping you, and loving you every step of the way like my boyfriend does with me.

All I Ever Wanted

It's been so long since I've blogged... Considering my last post was a guy I dated a year ago. Well, a lot has happened in a year.  A couple months after that breakup, I was at work and I walked over to a volunteer and started up a conversation. Almost a year later (it will be exact on May 3, 2015) that guy is still in my life as my best friend and love of my life.  We have been through so much together that I wouldn't even know where to start to even explain our unusual yet epic love story we have. It's been difficult at times but that's what you get when you're 100% honest with your partner. I have found out some things from his past and learned about the consequences he has to face now and then there's been mistakes I've made but through it all we have never given up on one another. As much as it sucked at times, we grew together and learned from it all and all of it shaped us to who we are today and continues to challenge and shape us everyday. I believe this was the path that a higher order had in store for us. A year of being together (if you don't count the 2 small times we broke up)  and we couldn't be more happy.  Even though we have to face the facts and deal with the situation, we are doing it together. I'm sorry to the viewers that I'm being so cryptic with what we have to go through but I respect my boyfriend and it's his story that I would know he would want to keep private. Anyways, I know you may think this is just another blog of another guy whom I've fallen for. However, for the first time, not only am I telling you all that I have fallen in love,  but I'm telling the world that I have found my husband.

In the beginning, we had some bumps but that's to be expected when you decide to date during the summer when you live in two different cities, 100 miles apart, and did i mention we had just met? But when I came back for school we tried again and it was great. Then he told me some things and by this point I had already falling head over heels for this man. I had to make the difficult decision of breaking up with him because I need to focus on graduating and finding a career which his situation could potential affect and he needs to focus on school which his mistakes made him behind in. I missed him too much and realized I can try and do it all. It's not like he's in my way!  We love each other so much that we will be the few who can make long distance work when I move back to my hometown after graduation. We had every obstacle thrown at us and ups and downs and breakups but somehow we made it. Our love was so strong that we were able to conquer all of that.

At first, I questioned the real reason why I was breaking up with him. I though I was doing what was right for both of us but I was confused and just needed answers. Was it really because of his situation that I couldn't be with him? As time went on I realized that I was willing to look past that because my love for him was so much stronger than even I believed was possible. I wasn't about to hold a dumb mistake he made when he was a kid against him. I have been by his side through 98% of the situation and I witnessed a person completely change for the better and grow into the man that i had always dreamt of and the man I would be proud to call mine and the man who I would be happy to have children with. The popular saying goes that "people don't change." They always fall into their old habits and I used to believe this myself until this one guy proved me wrong. He tells me almost everyday that the main reason he changed was because of me and I know that's true and would like to take credit but it wasn't just me.  He was the one who stayed strong through all of it. He was the one who went out of his way to be a better person, not just because he wanted to make me happy but because he wanted to make himself happy. He wanted to make a change since he knew that everything he had done was a mistake and he hated the person he had become. He made that first step even before I met him and I may have encouraged him to continue when I came into his life but all the credit should really go to him. I love him so much and I cannot wait to go through life with this man and experience everything together. 

Heartbreak and Headaches

It hurts. I feel numb and alone, yet life is still moving and the world is still spinning. The day I didn’t think would come, or at least not so soon, arrived. One month and 11 days. It seems like such a short amount of time but that’s all it took for me to fall in love, think to the future, and then have it all ripped out from under me. I never wanted any of this and I still think it was my fault. I didn’t plan to break up with him but was simply packing my things up to take back to my dorm and I guess he thought that was his cue to not try because he wanted to do it anyways.

Realizing that someone didn’t love you even after all the things they said and everything you went through is heartbreaking. Just knowing that every word and every phrase and every compliment were all lies is the worst feeling in the world. The minute I realized he didn’t feel that way was when I was packing up my stuff and taking my time, I might add, that he just stood there. I took multiple trips to my car and he still just stood there. I couldn’t even wrap my head around what was happening but I knew that if he loved me, he would have been trying to stop me or talk to me. The last trip I made, I could have just taken off but, instead, I went inside one last time and that’s when he grabbed me and hugged me and we began the long talk and “breaking-up process.”

            It has not even been 24 hours later and I am pondering on how his question “can we take it slow?” turned into us officially breaking up? Was I the one who said I didn’t want to do that? Why would he suggest that if he doesn’t want a relationship now? There are so many thoughts in my mind and no easy way to understand any of it. I want to be angry at him but then I’m secretly wishing he would call me. Then I say to myself, I don’t want to talk to him but then kind of wish this would go back to normal. We were doing so great and I honestly don’t even know what made it get to this point. We had only started arguing in the past week and I thought things were finally getting worked out and the night before was perfect. I feel like a fool. Everything I did and especially in the past couple days and now knowing that he was thinking of how to break it off this whole time. I feel stupid and am telling myself “I told you so” about getting too serious too fast and I didn’t even want that.

            When I got to Columbia last semester, I was experiencing new things and having fun but it also came with meeting a guy right away and going on a rollercoaster of emotions with him. After that first fiasco, and a couple months of sadness and alone-time, I told myself, I was done feeling this way. I couldn’t feel this way anymore and I wanted to get out of the depressed state I was in. I decided I wasn’t going to go out and “look” for guys but just enjoy the night with friends and that’s what I was doing and was finally renewing my happiness until “He” showed up.

            I wasn’t looking for anything and yet another guy came into my life, we jumped into a relationship a week later, and it was full speed ahead from there. I kept telling myself I didn’t want to get serious and just have fun and go with the flow because that’s what I should be doing in these prime years. I wish I would have listened but being who I am and putting my whole heart and soul into everything I do, I got attached. And it didn’t help that it was different with him. I saw a future with him and wanted a future with him. I don’t throw around the “L” word too often but I knew right away that I wanted him to know that I loved him and I would give 100% to this relationship. We were both like that at the beginning and I guess that’s how it is for most relationships these days. …If only I knew sooner that it would quickly become one-sided. As they call it the “honeymoon phase,” showing affection and love and caring and then in just a split second you stop holding hands or cuddling in bed and you feel, deep down, that their feelings are changing but you love them so much that you ignore that and you try to make it work because you don’t want to lose them. Then the time comes when it turns into reality and they tell you they don't feel that way anymore and they never really loved you...(to be continued)

Dear Individual:

            She said she didn’t even want to move in so why are you moving all the way to California to be with her? You said you wouldn’t let your significant other get in the way of friends and that’s exactly what you did. Everything you do, you do because of her and you care about no one else but you two being together. As a friend, I couldn’t be more happier for you but I also have to be a little selfish because I’ll never see my best friend again and I won’t have anyone to get me through my last year of school. I’m going to be all alone. After telling me the news, a best friend would stay with me and comfort me through this…not leave because you have to go to the gym. You can’t even sacrifice something like gym or sleep or anything for your “best friend” which means I guess we were never that in the first place. I’ve done so much for you and all I get is bad days, long nights, and millions of tears. Why do you continue to hurt me like you do? I know you don’t purposely do it so I should rephrase that to, “Why do I allow myself to get hurt when I shouldn’t be upset over the things you do.” I’m even over you as more than a friend but anyone finding out that their “best friend” is moving would make anyone upset. Do I make the most out of the situation and spend the few remaining months we have together special and fun or do I just give up now and drift away so the final goodbye will be less hard? I don’t know what to do but I guess all I can do is continue to live life and move on. No matter what I say, things won't change. I could give you an elaborate letter or tell you everything you meant to me and how much I'll miss you but it wouldn't matter. So, to make it simple for both of us, my final words to you will be “I love you and goodbye.”

-The Shadow

Life

Life is full of disappointments. That's that. It's just a fact. Be it people or situations or just life. You cannot change what comes at you but only how you react to it. You can learn from it and become a stronger, better you. Don't let this thing called "life" break you down...everyone goes through it and everyone should fight to defeat it, even if it's just temporary since "life" can never truly be destroyed.  "Life" doesn't care about you and will move on with or without you. Why would you give it the satisfaction to win? Don't beat yourself up or break down or give up because of one bad day, or, like me, an ongoing pattern. "Life" is tough and you may think you are the only person that "life" is beating up on but, believe me, that is not the case. "Life" is a bully, plain and simple. You just need to learn to stand up for yourself and know that things will get better. The bully will always be around but it won't always pick on you.

You are the only person who can truly make yourself happy and just know that everyday is new. If "life" gets in the way, just push it to the side or find a new path that you are happy to take. Things may seem like they are falling down around you and that may be the case but remember that it will get better with time. If you are about to give up, talk to someone close, even if its just one person. If you don't think you have anyone, then know that I am here to listen. Life may be full of disappointments BUT it is also full of wonderful things that make it worth living. Don't give up the best part of life just because of your present situation because that can change in an instant. With all the stuff I have been struggling with, I am still here and I will never give up because I am not weak. Eventually, I will get through the current bad parts of "life" and come out even stronger then before. The next time "life" wants to get in my way, I will be right there waiting to conquer it once again.

Lies. Deceit. Anger. Disappointment. Sadness. Heartbreak. Frustration.

You weren't mine and I knew you never would be but that doesn't change the fact that my heart is in pieces because of you. I want to forget but that can never happen after everything I have been through...after everything we have been through. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't breathe. I can't see straight. I'm at a standstill and my mind is just wondering, but not giving out answers. I want to move on because you don't deserve me in your life but why do I not listen to myself? Why do I stick around and continue to get hurt? 

I feel weak and alone right now and the world is caving in on me. I'm lost and I can't find my way. I'm disoriented and cannot concentrate. I lay down and curl into a ball while tears roll down my cheeks. Once there are no more tears to be made, I fall asleep and begin to dream. I dream of a better tomorrow and a place where I can be myself and find love. I dream of that happy ending that everybody wants. I continue to dream and find a new life in my mind where I stay for the rest of eternity...

Do you miss her the way you miss me?
Do you think about her the way you think about me?
Do you fear losing her like you do with me?

Look into my eyes and if you say yes to all those questions, then I'll walk away.
Not because I have given up but because I'm no longer needed in your life.
I'll be strong for the both of us and let you go so you don't have to choose...